jorts

I got to get me some jorts!

Tshirts

Ask me about my fantasy team

Potential new blog titles modified from the Pavement song "Cut Your Hair"

No blog hair!

A special new blog

Blogs mean a lot when blogs are bought

Africa joke

Tell the driver to roll down his window and tell the passing truck that his wheels are turning.

popcorn joke

If I worked at a movie theater concession stand I would pay close attention to how people ordered popcorn.

Say they sell size small for $4, medium $5 and large $6. When someone asks for a "small popcorn" that's what I would give them. But if someone asked for "four dollars worth of popcorn" I would fill up half a trash bag.

texas joke

The weekend day shift at Randall's in Texas was the best way for part time checkers in high school to maximize their hours. Sunday was the better shift because eighty percent of the local suburban population was at church until about ten thirty or about the time of the first break. You clock in at eight o’clock and if you were lucky, had fewer than ten people come through the check stand before your first break. In between customers, it was simple to walk over to the bakery for donuts and to the deli for a fountain drink.

An interesting facet of the early Sunday shift was a regular recurrence of certain customers. Habitual Sunday morning grocery shoppers are a nuanced folk and it is easy to gauge the level of conversation they are prepared to engage in.

One man who shopped regularly at this time would insist that everything he bought fit in one paper bag. The man would spend up to seventy-five dollars on groceries and request that it all fit in the same bag. More than a few times he probably really wanted to buy more than what would fit in one bag, but would eliminate the least essential items for the sake of convenience, consistency and being a memorable person.

A childfree couple aged around forty were also regular Sunday shoppers. They had recently moved to Houston from Southern California. When you informed them of your familiarity with that area they quickly confided their apparent disdain for the growth of Asian American populations by pulling back the abducting corner of each eye, adding, “lots of these”.

Another favorite was a kindly old man who liked to talk about golf.

In addition to the regulars, there were a few one off Sunday customers that are worth noting.

There only was one register open before ten for the entire store. This lead to the situation in which a popular, blonde, high school coed made an emergency run to the store before church services to buy tampons and only tampons from you.

The best customer of all time, however, didn’t come through the store until later in the afternoon at the busiest time of the week, the afternoon rush between noon and four o’clock. Then, checkout lines pushed three or four shoppers deep, most carrying a robust quantity of food.

Because Randall’s required checkers to unload groceries from carts, the express lane, fashioned with additional back support not on normal lanes, became a highly coveted position among Sunday cashiers.

At the Cash/Credit Only express lane, a man came through to purchase two twenty-four packs of domestic. He was a short Hispanic man around thirty years old, wearing an oversized black t-shirt with the phrase FUCK YOU I’M FROM TEXAS printed in a large font on the back. Unfortunately the gentleman didn’t recognize this lane could not accept the ATM Card he planned to use. In the time it took him to realize this the line had increased six-fold.

He found a blank check tucked away in his wallet with the suburban crowd swelling behind growing frustrated, angry and scared all at the same time. After calling the manager over on the store intercom to okay the payment, he had realized his fault. He apologized, remarked he wasn’t even from Texas and was apparently on his way over to a party with Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg in the house.

People say

People say too much salt is bad for you. Try telling that to the descendent of a casualty in one of the multiple Salt Wars.

People say you should always wear clean socks. None of these people fought in World War II. Why would I listen to them?

Best ways to serve and prepare free frozen meatballs

Caesar's Balls
1. Cook meatballs (about 12) in stove.
2. Place meatballs in a bowl.
3. Drizzle Caesar dressing over bowl.
4. Best eaten by piercing balls with skewer while impersonating Julius Caesar's assassin.

Meatball Sandwich
1. Cook meatballs (about 10) in stove.
2. Toast two slices of wheat bread.
3. Cut meatballs in half and stack on one slice of bread.
4. Add a layer of your roommate's marinara sauce to the other slice.
5. Cover sauce with grated Parmesan cheese with a 2003 "best used by date".
6. Put marinara/cheese slice over the meatball slice.
7. Cut sandwich in half.

Meatball Pizza
1. Buy a frozen cheese pizza.
2. Cut frozen meatballs (about 8) into quarter spheres.
3. Space chunks of balls evenly over pizza.
4. Heat in stove.
5. Cut pizza into slices.
6. Season with basil or oregano.

you know what's funny

Local TV News-team blogs 

Linda Cohn

Asdrúbal Cabrera

The Scatman

In which I tell a joke in a dream

Me: So who likes watching baseball?

The crowd makes some noise.

Me: Me too. 

I laugh. Some of the crowd does too.

And... scene.

Signs

Please Park In Parking Lot Park Park Lot.

This Area Contains Chemicals Known To The State Of California To Cause Phasmophobia.

No Mestizos Allowed After Midnight. Some Exceptions.

the death of awesome

I'm not really sure when this happened, but I can no longer, soberly, use the word awesome.

The contemporary usage, derived out of early 90s pop culture, is exploding linguistically at exponential rate and its use has become feckless and vapid.

It should only be used in its more archaic form: a sinuous emotional combination of wonder, veneration and dread.

I should note, no one attending this funeral will go with more grief than myself.

best easy jobs

middle reliever
audiobook narrator
tour guide - chris mcneill's 'america for euros/asians'